Tierney.Deveraux. [entries|friends|calendar] Tierney Deveraux [ userinfo | insanejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | insanejournal calendar ]

[Monday March 12th] [ mood | sick ] My attempts at socialization back-fired miserably. While I did manage to get out and meet some people and chat here and there, it kicked me in the ass in the end. I've been sick as a dog for like two weeks now and getting out of bed is not something I look forward to doing. While Scarface is epically awesome, he sucks at making me chicken soup, or turning up the heat, or fetching clean tissues. I guess that's why dogs have yet to take over the world, their usefulness is limited to being cute, cuddling, and peeing on mean people. I've considered hiring someone to come over and take care of me until I beat this cold or whatever, but it feels like germ prostitituion or something illicit and completely unsexy. I had the most rude awakening today when I realized an hour was stolen from me via this ridiculous institution called Daylight Savings time. I don't ever recall signing up to participate in this nonsense, and I think it's a crock of bull that it's all for the farmers. I bet the farmers are pissed they lost an hour today too. Luckily I can work from home and stay in bed all day, so this 60 minute loss is more managable for me when I don't have to change out of my pjs. I will just go ahead and assume that everyone else has been having interesting and entertaining times while my dog has watched me blow my nose a billion and one times. Feel free to share your stories and rub it in. I will only resent you a little for it. I'm not afraid

[Saturday February 25th] Since the anti-V-Day bash was such an overwhelming fail (no offense, Doc), I am trying round two. No special occassion, just a boring, freezing Saturday night and I'm buying up the bar. Show up, don't show up, whatever. [Private] Screw private, no one cares anyway I am beginning to think the ONLY way to make friends around here is to fuck someone or pay someone. If I cared a little more, I would be pissed. But honestly, it's just whatever. I have spent the last year and a half in some sort of socially imposed solitary confinement and I am over trying to change that. I would love to fuck a random, it really sucks going to bed alone and waking up alone day after day. But somewhere along the line my damn conscience grew back and I wouldn't even sleep with someone if I had the chance. Which would be like a damn miracle around here. At this point, I would be glad to just have someone to talk to on the occassional basis that isn't being paid to listen. Bottom line, I'm bored, I'm lonely, I'm horny and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I got a bunch of good stuff the other night, but I chickened out and didn't do anything. I've been clean for a while now and physically it feels good. But mentally, it's a nightmare. I just want to not feel like shit for a few hours and I know exactly what will do the trick. I don't know why I'm holding on to it, or holding off, really. What have I got to lose? We'll see how this thing at the bar goes tonight. If no one shows, I'll make sure it ends up a good night. I'm not afraid

[Monday February 6th] This is Scarface. He is a good companion, but he has a little problem. He is the horniest dog I have ever seen. I think I need to find him a girlfriend. At least so he stops molesting table legs and pillows and such. He is not as anti-social as I am, so I suppose he's got some potential. I've been out and about once in a while, trying to meet people, be social, develop a few loose ties. Hard to tell if it's been successful yet, but I am not holding my breath on anything. It would be nice to have someone to just hang out with, you know, conversate and all that jazz. It's been a while. I suppose I should make more of an effort. [Private] My t-cell count is dropping faster than a drunken whore's panties. I blame the weather, but it's really just been a matter of time. Considering the crappy way I've treated my body, I really didn't expect it to take this long to get downgraded. I'm not looking forward to it, but once I hit below 200 it's nothing left but a glorious shitshow. I sometimes think about who I could call if things got really bad. Then I remember I'm all out of options now. Sometimes I wish Dane was around. Not that I'm expecting any brother-sister bonding or anything like that. Just would be nice to have someone. And someone with a steady supply is better than no one at all. [/Private] I'm not afraid

[Thursday January 12th] [ mood | creative ] Boredom and freezing temperatures lead me to do the unthinkable. Work. God forbid. In an attempt to be productive, I am brainstorming ideas for my next project. At this point, I am down to do almost anything. The only condition is that it needs to be relatively short term. But still, ideas are my crack. I have one idea, but it's a little intense and I don't know if I really want to do something that deep. Again. Twice is enough, then again, third time might just be a charm. I'm not afraid

[Wednesday January 11th] [ mood | hungry ] Chocolate-covered-peanut-butter-filled pretzels are like oral sex. Not as fun to give as to recieve. I'm not afraid

[Tuesday January 10th] [ mood | cold ] I never thought I would say this but, small town life isn't so bad. Granted, I haven't been here all that long, but it is refreshing not to see a Starbucks on every corner, or have to take a subway or cab or car everywhere. That being said, it is cold as fuck and I need to invest in a winter coat for this shit. I'll get used to the weather. But I'll be damned if I have to pick up a shovel for snow. I'm too little and delicate for that kind of manual labor. In this case little and delicate equal lazy. That was my attempt at introducing myself to a bunch of random strangers. Weak, I know. My name is Tierney, yes it's weird, no I don't know what it means. But I go by Ti, like the letter or the drink. I make documentaries. I have a mini pincher named Scarface and I try not to eat anything blue. That's all I've got for right now. I'm not afraid

[Sunday January 8th] ( Well I've had just enough time ) I'm not afraid

[Tuesday August 9th] [ mood | creative ] ( Everything comes full circle ) I'm not afraid

[Wednesday July 6th] [ mood | pissed off ] Shortest trip ever. Be home in a few hours. I want to scream. I haven't been this angry in a very very long time. I am so just... done with everything right now. I'm crawling back into my hole and not coming out again. I'm not afraid

[Tuesday July 5th] [ mood | listless ] I am currently on a plane to Seattle with Bethany. The girl needed to get away and I was planning on taking this trip soon enough, so it all works out. Not much has changed with me since the last time around, not much I want to openly discuss anyway. On doctor's orders, I officially cut my working hours in half, which gives me a lot of time to rest just hang out and do a whole lot of nothing. Cid and I are talking again, which is a big relief. She let me babysit Phoe a few times, so me and my mini best buddy are back on track again too. It amazes me how much she speaks now, and that she still signs, and more importantly, the things she says. Everyone always knew she was smart, but she blows me away. Using her signs and words, she asked me why I am going away. It's like she knows, and that is pretty scary. How do I answer that? I don't think I can. Being around Phoe, as much as I missed her, it depresses me. It just reminds me of how badly I wanted to be a mother, have a husband and a family of my own. And now it's not going to happen. I made some mild attempts at trying to socialize, but for the most part it all fell along the wayside, and not entirely by my own doing for once. It's ok though, I don't need to go out and meet people or anything, there is too much drama going on out there right now anyway. Boring has it's benefits. Bethany is better since her accident, thank god. I was worried about her, but she is a fighter and came through almost good as new. She and Jordan broke up, and while I've never been his biggest fan, it still is a little sad to see a couple split up. I'm still not beyond hitting or cutting him again or worse if need be, especially if he doesn't get off my back about things. Bethany does not want to be with him right now, kissing up to me isn't going to change that. And it really bothers me how he keeps asking about how I am doing. I don't know how he knows, or how much he knows, but it's none of his fucking business and I would appreciate it if he stayed out of my shit. Then she was apparently seeing this guy Alex, who I met briefly. I wasn't his biggest fan either, kind of hard to think he'd be good for my friend when he's checking out my chest, apparently people think I am just a hatred filled bitch anyway but I was nice to him and didn't do or say anything. Yet. There seemed to be a lot of back and forth between all of them and honestly, I stopped keeping track. I don't know how people can run around like that and not mess things up. At some point, things blew up, I only know little parts of the story, but some other girl was involved and it's just been all kinds of dramatic ever since. Bethany was really upset and I tried to cheer her up, but it didn't work much. So, we're off to Seattle for a short change of scenery, even though she isn't feeling the best. I haven't seen my dad since Christmas, and my step-brother since I left Seattle. My father isn't always the easiest person to get ahold of, but Dane is more reliable and I gave him a call and told him we were coming. He said he'd put us up for a couple of days and hook me up and his only question was if Bethany is hot. I am staying out of that. It may not be a tropical resort or some great spa or something, but this trip is what I need right now and hopefully it will help Bethany out a little. I hurt my hand the other day trying to give a warning and it hasn't closed up yet and still hurts like hell. But I don't have time to worry about that right now, and if it's still bad when we get back, I'll get it looked at. No big deal , besides, I plan to be feeling so good over the next few days that I won't notice if the damn thing fell off. Anyway, it will be nice to be back around something familiar and comfortable, somewhere I feel like I am a part of life again. Sometimes it's like I feel everything and nothing all at the same time. I don't know anymore what it's like to live life like everyone else does. It's like I'm only living to die. I'm not afraid

[Sunday June 12th] [ mood | lethargic ] In the last month or so, I've pretty much fallen into a habit of doing nothing but working and going home and going to sleep. A big part of it was, I just don't feel the need to be social anymore. Not that I'm rude to people if they talk to me, or turn down invitations to do things. I just don't go out and talk to people as often as I probably should. At this point, it's not even a matter of being depressed. I got over that depression right quick when I saw the way a certain person really thinks and talks about me. No reason to be sad over that sham anymore. I have basically just gotten used to keeping to myself that I don't even desire to be around people anymore. I've gotten comfortable being on my own, which has it's good points if you ask me. And it's working out ok so far, so why mess with it. I've been working a couple of days a week, some at the butcher shop and some at the shoe store. Two totally different atmospheres and people to work with. At the store, I keep to the back room mostly, doing stock and stuff like that. The owners, Scarlett and Sammie, they're nice enough, but I don't exactly fit in with them. I'm just not pretty or fashionable or any of that. Which never bothered me before, so it's not going to knock me now. I'm way more comfortable at the butcher shop. I keep busy and clean and don't bother anyone. And Emmett has turned out to be less intimidating that I first thought. And he's a nice guy. Not that I ever thought differenly, I just didn't think he'd take to me. We've actually hung out and talked a few times, which has been nice. Bethany got hurt pretty badly in a hit and run, and was in the hospital for a while. Thank God she's ok, and she's home now. She's not 100% yet, but I know she'll get there. She's a fighter. I'm trying to help her as much as I can. She was there for me when I was in the hospital and going through shit, and even if she wasn't I would still be doing the same for her. I don't know why some other people haven't been more supportive, I'd love to give them a piece of my mind, but I am staying out of it. I went off on Jordan and slapped him. Basically, he was being a douche and I've let people get away with that before, I wasn't going to let it happen this time. I know how much it hurts and Bethany is too good to have to deal with that. Since she was feeling up to it, we went to the opening of Cid's club. No, I still haven't talked to my sister, but she invited me to the opening, so she doesn't hate me. Much. Baby steps. Healthwise, I've been pretty shitty. I have done a pretty damn good job of not letting anyone in on it though. The meds I was on basically stopped working, so we're trying out a new cocktail to see how that goes. Why they stopped working is beyond me. It could have been the combination of them and the painkillers and all the shit that went down with the attack. It could be stress. It could be that I just got used to them. Either way, I'm on something new now and hopefully that will help for longer. I've lost about 20 pounds in the last four months and I am tired all the time. Not tired like, I need a nap; tired like I could sleep for days and still be tired. Not to mention I still rely on the painkillers to get through the day. But working part-time helps, it gets my mind off of things, it keeps me too busy for anyone to notice what's going on, and I get a little socializing in so that way I don't become a total loser. I'm not 100% clean, but I'm about as close as I'm gonna get for a while and that's good enough for me. I'm not afraid

[Sunday May 8th] [ mood | tired ] So, it's Mother's Day once again. I lost my mom... wow, ten years ago now. And I still think about her a lot. Which is both a good thing and a bad thing. When I think of my mother, I tend to first think of the good things. Like how she used to call me her June Bug, though I have no idea where that even came from. I remember how she used to sing me to sleep sometimes. I remember when I was five and she let me play dress up with her clothes and makeup and then we walked to the store so she could get cigarettes and she let me go out all dressed up like that. I felt like a grown-up and I felt glamorous and beautiful, just the way I always thought my mother was. Of course, as a kid, we all see things really different than what they are. I'll always think my mother was beautiful. But looking back now, I know that she was far from glamorous, or perfect. And sometimes, she wasn't even a very good mother, but I hate to admit that. More often than not, I always took care of her and my dad, I was more of a parent than they could be for me. I remember watching them both shoot up, or smoke, or snort whatever they could get their hands on. I remember taking care of them when they were sick. I remember sitting in the corner of a crack house while my mother did whatever she could to score. I remember stealing other kids lunches at school so I could bring them home and we would have food in the house. I remember watching my father cry as my mother wasted away. But even with all of that, I'll always love my mother. At this point, I've basically become her. Except I don't have any kids. Maybe if I did, I wouldn't be doing all the shit I do now. I do dirty, dangerous, degrading, illegal things just to get something that will make me feel alive for a few minutes. My latest indiscretion, I was picked up for solicitation. Ironic, right? I couldn't keep a boyfriend because I didn't want to have sex, yet I tried selling it on the street so I could score. It didn't do me any good anyway. I only made $60 before I got arrested. For some reason, I told Bethany about it. She hasn't really talked to me since. I don't blame her. Cid cut me off a while ago and we haven't spoken since. I missed her birthday, I didn't talk to her today for Mother's Day. It's not that I don't want to, I do. I just... I don't know what to say anymore. Part of me thinks I should apologize, the other part figures what is the point. I love my sister, she has done so much for me. But it's like we live in two different worlds now. Maybe I should just leave it all alone. I don't want to be the way I am, but I've tried to change time and time again and things only seem to get worse each time. Maybe I should just stop fighting it and accept it. I really don't know anymore. I have been trying to get a job. I filled out an application at this butcher shop, and one at this new shoe store. I don't know if either place will hire me, and I keep thinking I should have just kept my mouth shut and accepted Cid's job offer. At least then I would have something to do with myself and a steady paycheck coming in. I think a lot about my films, and wish I could go back to it. But I don't.I don't want to keep using, I don't want to keep doing bad things, I don't want to feel worthless. I want to get myself together and clean and be somewhat close to normal again. I just don't know if it's going to work. I don't know if I can do it alone. I rarely leave the apartment, or my room for that matter. My cat is my best friend and I am 90% sure he is sick of me. I stopped taking meds. I hardly talk to anyone. I talked to this delivery guy a couple of times. He gave me a gift, which was nice, but awkward. He invited me to go to Hawaii or New York with him, again awkward, but I didn't take it seriously. He even offered to let me move in with him if Bethany wants me to move out. I think he's just trying to be nice to me, so I didn't really take it seriously. I also talked to this guy a little bit in the bookstore the other day. I'm pretty sure I made an ass of myself during that conversation. I need to do something. I need to make a change, somehow. Before I self-destruct. Ok, I've rambled enough. I'm not afraid

[Friday April 15th] [ mood | blank ] [ music | Why - Melanie C ] So, I guess I should write down what's been going on even though I don't really want to talk or think about it, or anything really. Anyway, here it goes. I made a huge mistake and opened up my mouth and said how I feel. And in the end, it bit me in the ass. I wanted things to change, for the better, and I was willing to do my part to get there. I thought he was willing too, but I was wrong. He broke up with me, left town and I haven't seen or heard from him since. More than anything, I feel really stupid. I had a good thing, one of the few good things I've ever had, and I fucked it up. It was my own fault, for believing he loved me, for believing it could work out, for believing I could have something good. I know better now, I guess. And it won't ever happen again. It's still pretty fucked up that I can't even say his name without breaking down. Needless to say, I've been having a really hard time since. I told Bethany how I was feeling, how bad it really was, and she freaked out. I guess she had a right to react the way she did, but it wasn't very helpful. It almost felt like she was more concerned about what she would do without a friend, rather than me actually wanting to kill myself. Anyway, I told her it would be alright and I've just kept it all to myself since then. More or less. I made the huge mistake of telling Tristen. Which I have no idea why I even bothered talking to him. Before this, the last time I heard from him was before Italy. And now he's suddenly interested in what's going on with me? He thought I was married, what the fuck. Seriously, for someone who used to be such a big part of my life, he's completely oblivious. Then he tells me how he's feeling so bad and is so stress out and is drinking again and blah blah blah. Part of me knows I should feel bad for him and want to help, but the other part tells me not to trust him. He knows I'm relapsing and so is he, or so he claims. He's up to something, I'm pretty sure he's not only lying to me, but to his girlfriend. Whatever, that's their problem. I'm not looking to talk to him or be bothered with anyone, really. There are probably only two people I can trust right now, and I can't even tell them what's going on with me. So, I just want to be left alone. To try to cheer me up, Bethany's been really supportive. We did this ice cream thing I never heard about, but apparently it's a thing girls are supposed to do when they're upset. We also went to Vegas for a little while. It was a good time, I don't remember half of it, in the good way, and I still owe Alex and Nolan for bailing us out. Thinking about it right now, I'm kind of confused about what happened when. Anyway, at some point, Cid did a photo shoot for her lingerie line and Bethany talked me into going. Everyone seemed to have fun and the pictures came out nice, so I guess that worked out. Cid got married too, she put on a nice party, as always. I haven't spoken to her much since then, I just feel like we have nothing in common now. She has a successful business, a husband, a family. I don't have any of that, I probably never will. So what are we supposed to talk about? Nothing. So we don't. Just the way things go, I guess. At one point I met Nolan, Bethany and Alex's brother. I didn't even know he was their brother until I talked with Bethany later. I thought I might like him a little bit at first. I don't know what I was thinking. He was nice to me and funny, and talking to him helped me forget everything else for those few minutes. But I doubt he'll want to talk to me or hang out again and I can't say I'm surprised. Just the way it is. What else? I talked to Jordan a little when he came over to see Bethany when she was out. I hadn't really talked to him much since we were both in the hospital, so it was nice, I guess. At one point, probably before all of that, I was going to the police station pretty regularly to find out about things. I met a guy there named Charlie, he was really nice. I was supposed to talk to him more, but I haven't and I stopped going to the station. I went for a spa day with a bunch of the ladies around here, but I didn't really interact with anyone, I wasn't feeling up to it. Most days I would rather, and do, just stay in bed, so if I do go out, it's something. I don't even know if it's my health or if it's all in my head or both. And honestly, I don't really care either. I'm getting things all mixed up now and none of this probably makes sense anymore but whatever. Maybe I should just stop here. I'm not afraid

[Tuesday March 29th] [ mood | crushed ] ( We could have had it all ) I'm not afraid

[Thursday March 17th] [ mood | contemplative ] I've spent a lot of time alone lately, thinking. About everything. Everything I've kept inside for so long, everything that's gotten me to where I am right now. And I'm done. Just... done. After looking at things, I realized a lot. And I am sick and tired of working so god damned hard at everything. Why do I have to do all the work? Why do I have to fix everything? David and I are taking a break. Whatever that means. He said I need to fix myself and then we can take a look at our relationship. At first, I accepted it, I agreed, I understood. But the more I think about it, the angrier I get. If he is supposed to love me so damned much, why is he never there when I need him? Why does he always push me away when I need his help? Why do I always have to be the one to fix things, to work hard to make things right? Why does it always fall on me? For everything? He's just like my father. I've spent my life wanting nothing more than to be loved and supported and taken care of from both of them. And I have always been let down. I've always been expected to do for them, in one way or another. But what are they doing for me? What am I getting out of any of it? Disappointment and longing. And yet my stupid ass keeps going back for more. Why do I love them both so much? I'm not really sure anymore. My sister and I haven't been on very good terms lately. We got into a huge fight before her wedding and we never really settled it. We just acted like it never happened. She said I'm jealous of her and that's why I wasn't happy for her for getting married. That wasn't my reason. But she is right about me being jealous. She has everything I want yet can't seem to have. A successful career, a nice place to live, a husband, a child. Do I resent her a little for that? Sure. I know it's wrong, but that's the way it is. I resent my mother too. For being a shitty mother, for making me be a parent instead of a child. For getting sick and dying. And again, it's probably wrong to feel that way but I can't deny it anymore. Almost every man I've ever gotten close to has disappointed and abandoned me. Almost every woman I've resented. No wonder I can't relate to anyone anymore. It used to bother me a lot. Over the last few days, I've stopped caring. I'm tried of busting my ass to make people happy, to "fix" myself, to try to get to something that is going to make this all worth it. There. I've put it all out on the table. And I'm letting it all go, starting now. I'm not afraid

[Wednesday March 16th] [ mood | indescribable ] [ music | Simple Together - Alanis Morrisette ] ( Simple Together ) I'm not afraid

[Friday February 25th] I feel like a lot has happened in the last few weeks. But then when I sit down to write about it, nothing specific to say comes to mind. Things just don't come to me anymore, not the way they used to. That thing that happened... it changed me. I don't think anyone really gets that. Then again, I don't really try to explain it either. It's hard enough to figure out the right words to say to explain it, and then once I do, I know no one really understands. So, I just stopped talking about it. I stopped taling about everything, really. I mean, it's not like I am silent all the time. I just don't get into anything anymore. Sometimes I'm not sure if I ever did. It's all one giant jumble of crap and there's nothing I can do about it, it's too much to think about and it makes my head hurt. Then again, my head hurts constantly. Literally every minute of every day. The pills help, for now, but I know sooner or later they're not going to be enough. And in the meantime, I feel like I can only go a few hours without taking some more. I told the doctor and he just gave me another prescription. So, if he's not concerned about it, I guess I shouldn't be either. So I just deal with it and don't say anything about it to anyone. Basically, I try to keep to myself for the most part. I mean, I don't lock myself away in a room or anything. Not all the time anyway. I just don't really go out anymore. Not that I was ever a social butterfly, but still. I don't actively avoid people, but I'm not seeking anyone out either. I don't feel comfortable around people for the most part. I don't really feel comfortable alone either, but I don't want to be all clingy. More than anything, I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. And I can't get away from that. I just try not to think about it. I have talked to a few people though. Not about anything important really. At least none of this stuff. I talked to Tristen a few times, and things felt a little weird the last time. And I talked to Jordan once or twice. Talking to Bethany is the easiest, she just helps make everything... lighter. Cid is always trying to talk to me, but I can usually get her off my back pretty easily. At least about that anyway. She still insists on completely financially supporting me, and now that my doctor says I can't work, I just stopped arguing about it. It's just whatever. And it's just how Cid is. She thinks that if she takes care of people and handles everything for them, she can stop them from leaving her. She does it with Phoe, and me, and Rumor. I guess in a way, she's right in doing that. You'd have to be stupid to walk out on a free ride. But she needs to realize that's not the reason people should stay. It makes me really wonder why people stay in certain situations. I guess part of it is fear. Change is scary, it's easier to stick with what you know. Maybe that's why David stays with me. He says he loves me, and I want to believe him, and the majority of the time he acts like it. He sent me flowers for Valentine's Day and I mean, he took me to Italy, that has to mean something. And I had a nice time. And I love him. At least I know that I did before all this happened, and I don't feel like any of that has changed. I guess part of me is just going through the motions. I know the things I'm supposed to do and say to be a good girlfriend. I know I don't do it often enough, but we still have sex. Even though I can barely stand to be touched anymore. Not to mention the guilt. But sex is really really important to him, and he shouldn't have to go without because of me. I told him before that if he wanted to sleep with someone else I would understand. But he got kind of upset about that. So I just try to do it when he wants. I know it hasn't been nearly enough lately, so I have to work on that. But since everything else happened, I don't know. I'm just really really messed up. And I know sooner or later everything is going to be ruined because of that. Sometimes, no all the time, I wish I could close my eyes and go to sleep for a really really long time. And then when I wake up, everything will be the way it should be. I know that's not going to happen though. So I just have to deal with things and hope I don't fuck everything up. I'm moving in with Bethany today. It's really sudden and not really well planned out, but whatever. Maybe I need a change like that. Some more fun in my life. A friend. I don't know, it couldn't hurt, right? Cid will be happy to have her house to herself and her family. I don't know how anyone else will feel because I didn't tell anyone else. I don't know if David will be happy or mad. We'll see what happens. And Bethany says that we're going to a party tomorrow. I can't even remember the last time I went out like that. So, it should be something. And I decided I'm definitely going to have a drink. Just one. I need something to just... unclench. Just for a few minutes. I'm not afraid

[Tuesday February 8th] [ mood | blank ] I'm going to Italy next week. I've never been out of the country before. I have no idea what to think. Or pack. I'm not afraid

[Friday February 4th] [ mood | numb ] Waking up in a strange place in the most pain of my life is the scariest thing I've ever experienced. Scarier than watching my mother die, scarier than being so lost in addiction that I never thought I'd get out. I've had a lot of time to just sit and think, take inventory of my life, where I've been, who I've been with, where I want the rest of my life to go. I've known for a while that there'd be an end to it all a lot sooner than I wanted, but I never thought that it could all just stop without warning. I've realized who I can really depend on, who really cares about me. It's been eye-opening, in both good and bad ways. And it's left me feeling really lost. Cid's been around for me the whole time and I don't know what I'd do without her. She's got me staying with her now for a while. Part of me is glad for that, but part of me just wants to be alone. But with the way I've been feeling the past few days, it's probably better to be around people than to just shut myself away. Bethany and Tristan came to visit me and I was really glad for that. They made me smile when I just wanted to cry. Phoe cheered me up too with her drawings and visits. I'm really glad they're all in my life. I've had to see a lot of doctors and a lot of police officers in the last few days. Not exactly my favorite people in the world, but I know they are just trying to help me. I have to keep up with them for rehab and the investigation and all. I'm not much help since I don't remember anything about what happened to me and I'm not really good at describing how I feel anymore. I know no one understands, so I don't really bother. The pain hasn't gotten any better, but at least they sent me home with some pretty strong stuff that helps a lot. It makes me sleepy though, but it's not like I'm doing anything important for a while. I'm not sure if I'm going to finish my films. Right now, it's too much to worry about. I'm not sure about a lot of things. And I don't really feel like I want to sit and cry about it right now. So I'm just going to go take some meds and watch a movie with Phoe and Capone and try to forget about everything. I'm not afraid

[Thursday January 13th] [ mood | exhausted ] New year, new start, all of that. Thus far, 2011 has been... well, strange. And I haven't decided if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Things are just... not going the way I expected them to. I guess only time will tell what that means. Dan and Jade's wedding was amazing. And getting to spend New Years with David and his family was wonderful. I still feel like I don't really fit in with them, they are such the polar opposite of the family I grew up with. But at least I wasn't chased out of there with torches, so maybe they don't hate me. At least they don't act like it. I'll probably always worry about that. I've also gotten to know a few new people around here, and that is definitely a good thing. Dinner with John was awkward, mostly because I think he was trashed throughout. And that was probably the first time since rehab that I've been around alcohol and didn't want a drink. I've also talked to Allie, Cadie, Nikki, Aurora and Bethany, and they are all really cool people. I like talking to them and hope we can hang out again sometime soon. It'll be nice to have some friends. Speaking of Cadie, he was nice enough to reserve some tickets to the symphony for me and David. We went, of course, and had a wonderful time. So, thank you so much Cadie for the tickets, I owe you one! Although I have to admit things got a little weird afterwards. I almost felt like I was being tested, and obviously I didn't pass or else he wouldn't have chosen to go home alone after. We haven't spent much time together lately and I don't know how I feel about that. I've never been clingy or tried to smother anyone before, but I also can't help but wonder what the growing distance between us means. I really don't know what I would do if I lost him again. I can handle a lot, but not that. And then there's the pink elephant in the room. Tristen moved to town and we accidentially met up. We're working on a film project together, and it seems to be going well so far. At first, it was strange to work with him given our history. But we've spent a good amount of time together lately and I feel like it's a good thing. Of course, it isn't a perfect friendship, I don't think any two people who were married and then divorced could have a perfect anything. I still feel guilty about the way things went between us, and he is always going to be an important part of my life. We can really talk to each other about anything, which doesn't happen with just anyone, and that is a good thing. So hopefully things between us will stay positive. Other than that, things are ok. I've got two projects keeping me busy. When I'm up for working. I've been really worn down lately, but I try not to let that keep me from doing things. And I feel a cold coming on, thanks to someone's bright idea about taking a dip in the ocean fully clothed. I have a lot of work to do today on the films, but right now, staying curled up in bed sounds like a really good thing. Would be nice to have some company though. I'm not afraid

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